rednecks

again something to laugh at
THANK YOU MADRIL

Q: Why did the redneck plant Cheerios in his garden?

A: He thought they were donut seeds

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city’s stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”

He bought the “picture,” but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn’t much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

The man’s many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy’s suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly bitch he’s runnin’ around with.”

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative, said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Q: Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

A: There are no dental records and all the DNA's the same!

Q: What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

A: Someone is going to lose a trailer.

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump. Think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead. I'm gonna to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well then, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, "Who's Robert E. Lee?"

She replied, "Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee."

A ventriloquist's car breaks down near a farm and he decides to have a little fun with the redneck farmer that owned it.

“Hey there,” he says. “I bet I can make your horse talk.”

“Horses don't talk” says the farmer.

“We’ll see,” says the ventriloquist. He turns to the horse and asks, “So how does your master treat you?”

“Pretty well,” says the horse. “He gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over.”

“I bet I can make the dog talk, too,” says the ventriloquist.

“Dog's don't talk” says the farmer.

“How about you?” the ventriloquist asks the dog. “Is he good to you too?”

“Yup,” says the dog. “We play fetch.”

“Let’s see what the sheep has to say,” says the ventriloquist.

“Wait!" yells the farmer "That sheep is a fuckin' liar!"

this joke makes me think of vent (the program like ts)

Two men went hunting. One had been hunting all his life, the other man was hunting for the first time. The one man told the other to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. But when the first man got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.

"I was when the snake bit me," the man said.

"And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat or take them with us,' I screamed."

Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but
didn't like each other much.

In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade
cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it.

So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the
window ledge the longest with a bare ass.

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob,
"What are you doing?" Bob explained and she said,
"Come on, you will only freeze your ass off."

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.

Then his wife got an idea. "Lets change places when Joe
is looking the other way."

Bob's Wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and
traded places with Bob.

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him,
"What are you doing?" Joe told her and said, "I am
determined to win the bottle!"

"You are crazy. Come on in."

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side.
Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before
breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed
to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak
on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food,
but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on
coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route
march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get
sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He
nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just
ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load
your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they
got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake I only beat
him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds
and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

hope u liked the jokes